As part of Blog Share, I've hosted the following, anonymous post.
Do you ever feel like you've only been existing and not really living? That sounds like a cheesy advertisement for probiotic yogurt or something, but I really want to know. I feel like I've just been coasting through life for all of my adult existence and most of my teen years as well, like I've just been plodding along without any big dreams or goals. Like I haven't been looking to the left or right or even straight ahead, only down at my feet because maybe that way, it'll be safer. That way, I won't slip or step in something gross or crush anything with my huge feet. That way I won't get hurt or dirty; that way I won't step on anyones toes. I'm not sure how I became this way... I've been living trying to think of the point at which I stopped actively moving forward and let myself be carried by the impetus of all the steps I'd taken up to that point, but nothing is coming to mind. All I know is that for many years now I've been a shell of a person. No opinions, no ambitions, no initiative, no drive.
And while I don't want to become so driven that it becomes unhealthy, I want to stop being stagnant and neutral and boring. I don't want to be vanilla anymore; I want to be a genuine whole person, a person festooned with pink frosting and sprinkles, with a big fat Red Hot on the top. I want to be curry or a mezza platter or a tiramisu; something exciting and mysterious, delicious and tantalizing. I want to be irresistible and enchanting. I want to be a Van Gogh or an Andy Warhol.
I want to be holy. I want to run hard and run well. I want my life to sing of God's glory, and I want to his love to overflow from me all over the hurting people I see around me every day. I want to heal the nations; I want to weep with those who are weeping and laugh with the joyful.
I want to be a force that effects change in this world instead of sitting quietly, hating a situation but feeling powerless to to do anything about it. I want to dive in. I want to end up dirty and bleeding and sore and tired, armed with the knowledge that I meant something in this world, something more than a bunch of words on a web page, something more than this person I am now, who sits at home, afraid to enter in, watching life go by and whining about it. I want to give my all. I want to love people, not just the pretty people or the ones I'm related to, but real people with real problems. That bum who always hangs out at Starbucks-- the one who paces around yelling to himself; that woman at my church who is (remarkably) even more awkward than I am; my weirdo neighbors who blast their music far into the night, not caring that my open window is RIGHT THERE; the obnoxious, girl-crazy twerps who bug the girls I mentor-- all those people are hurt and wounded, just like me and you and everyone. I want to look at these people and feel my heart break over the man he could have been, the woman who is desperately lonely, the family who drowns their conflict and unhappiness in music, the uncertain adolescents acting out because they're uncomfortable in their own skin.
I want to be honest and real. I don't want to hide behind my insecurities anymore; I want people to know the real me, (metaphorical) warts and all. I want people to know the real me and I want to find out about the real you, to know and be known. I want to dream bigger and live louder than I ever have before. I want to stop hunching over because I am self-conscious about my body. I want to be free to dance and sing and skip and frolic without worrying if my shirt's creeping up or my pants are falling down or if my arms look fat. I want to twirl around like a little girl in a poofy dress, without caring who sees me.
I want to be who I was born to be. I want to be a woman-- full of piss and vinegar and sweetness and light and tenderness and fury and joy and anger and sadness and exhilaration. I want to be a woman who is passionately in love with Jesus. I want to be a woman is self-sufficient and independent, but who can accept help from others instead of trying to do it all myself and becoming jaded by life. I want to be a woman who is strong but not hard, gentle but not subdued, loud but not strident. I want to fall in love and I want to argue and I want to snuggle and wrestle and hug. I want to give foot rubs and Dutch ovens. I want to memorize scripture and I want to talk dirty to my husband. I want to teach my kids how to love Jesus and how to fart with their armpits and why the sky is blue.
I want to live fully, in whatever situation I find myself.
I want to LIVE.
Read the rest of the posts at these locations:
Turn On The Stars
Trudie - Life After AC
Swimming With Sharks
Reflections in the Snow Covered Hills
Red Red Whine
One New Duck
Oh My Seven
The Occasional Truth
Nancy Pearl Wannabe
Muse On Vacation
Messing With Texas
Live Work Dream
Just Below 63
Full of Snark
Everything I Like Causes Cancer
Did I Say That Outloud?
The Daily Tannenbaum
The Coconut Diaries
Bright Yellow World
Breath Smiles Tears
And You Know What Else